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Tracking the
elusive Bill Roundy
(excerpted from The Field Observer's Handbook of
Preternatural Entities)
A
glimpse of the wild Bill Roundy in its native habitat is the
fondest wish of countless thousands, from curious sight-seers
to the most respected names in the fields of exobiology,
applied metaphysics, and Bill Studies. Many nights of patient
tracking may take their toll on the observer's sanity and
liver functions, but the thrill of seeing an
authentic
Bill Roundy stalking its prey through a dimly lit Manhattan
bar cannot be overstated.
Appearance:
This noble and majestic creature is distinguished by
its shaven scalp, trim goatee, and overwhelming aura of
sensuality. Plumage is dark-colored, typically black, gray, or
dark green, though the skin itself is shockingly white.
Brightly-colored claws discourage other predators from
encroaching on his territory.
Note that on rare
occasions of stress Bill Roundy may be seen without nail
polish. Do not approach him at these times, as he is likely
to be irritable. If you must approach, do so only with the
appropriate precautions (i.e. praise and offerings of
beer).
Habitat: Bill Roundy is found
exclusively in urban areas, and is most often found in areas
where high culture, complicated cocktails, and entertainment
are commingled. However, advanced occult rituals known as
"weddings" or "reunions" can summon him hundreds of miles from
civilized enclaves. The purpose of these visits is
unknown.
Distribution: Bill Roundy is
native to the Eastern Seaboard of North America. Reports that
he has been spotted as far away as Hawaii can be attributed to
wishful thinking, or possibly mistaken sightings of the
johnericus roundarian, or "Lesser
Roundy."
Life and Behavior: Little is
known of the Bill Roundy life cycle. Most scholars believe
that the creature forms spontaneously from pockets of
concentrated coolness ("hyper-cool"). Recent reports (Vagts,
Journal of Mad Science, April '02) of a mullet-bearing
larval form in the Suburban Outback of Virginia have been
thoroughly discredited.
It is known that Bill Roundy
is nocturnal, and that he establishes a lair, though spends
little time there. He is almost always found with a drink in
hand. Indeed, it has been speculated (Slepetz, Symposia
Metaphysica, March '03) that Bill Roundy's existence on
this plane becomes unstable without the presence of alcohol
within a 30-foot
radius of his body. Fortunately, this has
never occurred.
Bill is easily distracted by shiny
objects. He can be lured into the open with the following
call: "Oooopppennnn Baaaarrrrr!"
Warning:
Attractive young men seeking out Bill Roundy are advised to
use extreme caution, lest the hunter become the
hunted.
Distinguishing Bill Roundy from other
supernatural creatures:
Cthulhu and his spawn are
much larger, and usually greenish in color.
Werewolves have
pointier ears, and are not as hairy.
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